Friday, April 20, 2012

Caution: I have a hole in my heart!

This journey began because God carved the names of two orphan children ON my heart.  Then, in time, the same names appeared on the heart of Knight-in-Shining Armor.  In that "YES!" moment, we surrendered to the search and find mission called adoption and began our journey on the highway to find the children who bore the names that had been written on our hearts.

What I wasn't completely prepared for was the HOLE.

Not only had the Creator of Heaven and Earth carved their names ON my heart, He carved a hole IN my heart, and without them to fill it, my life would never be the same again.

I love my family dearly.  I love them with a deep, consuming love that inspires me to get out of bed every day of my life to care for, mentor, and serve them.  Being a wife and mother brings me joy unspeakable.


This hole is real.

It is undeniable, and no matter how I try to carry on "business as usual" there is a void.  It is a special void that can only be filled by my "adopted" sons.  I miss them at bedtime.  I miss them at the dinner table.  I miss them around the campfire.  I miss them on my lap, in the car, at school, hunting Easter eggs, and blowing out birthday candles on a cake.

I miss them in my life morning, noon, and night.

There are days when this hole can be debilitating.  This hole causes an ache that sends emotion surging through my body...sometimes joy, sometimes desperation, sometimes happiness, sometimes frustration.

Sometimes it even keeps me from functioning at my full capacity.

Occasionally, my smile turns upside down becoming a frown because this hole saps every bit of energy I have.  There have been times when all I want to do is crawl back into bed and not wake up until my sons come home.

Some days this search and find mission feels more like a bad dream than a dream come true.

Other days this hole in my heart takes my breath away with sheer excitement and anticipation beyond anything I could ever put into words.  I become so aware of the hole in my heart that the excitement produced by the possibilities of filling it are just about more than I can bear.  There are days when my heart leaps from my chest and I smile from ear to ear just imagining our future as the family that God, and only God, will knit together.

This hole...this pit... is a very vulnerable place that longs to be filled.

In my experience, doubt and fear often creep into this place masquerading as friends.


Don't be fooled, they are foes, not friends.

There is only one friend worthy of entering this hole, and His name is Jesus.

When you seek him, you will find him.

He will meet you right where you are, whispering assuredly,

"My Father has given you a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.  Your emptiness is but the preparation for you being filled.  Do not tire of doing what is right.  I brought you to this.  I will bring you through it.  I will strengthen you.  I will help you.  Cast your cares upon me.  Pray unceasingly.  Trust me.  I am the rock.  I set the lonely in families."  

God did not carve this hole in my heart to leave it empty.  He carved it to fill it.  First with Himself, then with the boys who will bear the names He carved upon my heart.


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